What is OFOS?
The gentleman butch brought her lady roses, offered her arm as they walked to the restaurant and ordered for her once seated. And the femme knew she was the luckiest lady on earth to have found a true OFOS butch.
OFOS stands for “Old Fashioned, Old School”, and refers to a relationship dynamic which follows traditional Western gender roles. As relayed above by cuntry mouse on Urban Dictionary on 2009 April 19, OFOS lesbian couples embrace the classic ideals of chivalry, etiquette, and courtship rituals. The two participants in an OFOS union find pleasure, joy, security, and confidence, and sensuality in the complementary nature of their partnership. They may find it natural to support each other in this mode of living, and may even get a thrill out of embodying the old romantic ideals of feminine ladyhood and dashing gentlemanliness.
Back when I was still a girl, an OFOS relationship was what I had always wanted, but I never did figure out (or really, think too hard) about whether I would be the femme or the butch, though I was certainly more attracted to sporty butch girls than I was to girly-girls at the time. I grew up reading yuri manga scanlations from Lililicious.net, and the BL manga and games I played were largely the same: there was a “femme” uke, and a “butch” seme, all fulfilling quite traditional gender roles and interacting with one another under the superstructure of this expectation. It was a dome built by culture, and it seemed very nice to be under this dome, seeing those couples together as if on a promenade, and I wanted to be under this dome, too. After I masculinised, I found it quite a shock to see that much of the actual gay men’s scene wasn’t very interested in OFOS at all. There was the BLUF and bears and there were faeries abound, but the equivalent of a distinct and thriving OFOS subculture didn’t seem to exist for gay men, at least, not from what I could see.
OFOS for me
I never did get to engage in OFOS when I was a girl, neither in a sapphic partnership nor in a heterosexual one. Perhaps if I had involved myself in a local lesbian organisation, I may have met a nice, dashing dyke and developed into a lipstick lesbian. But left to my own devices in suburban, heavily conservative California, and faced with a dearth of both dykes and men I actually found interesting, I remained as I was: lacking a masculine half in my life, and reading more and more OFOS content, fiction and non-fiction—such as the guide reproduced below.
A Guide to OFOS
Reproduced below is How To Engage in Courting Rituals 1950s Butch Style in the Bar, an essay by 1941-Florida-born dyke Merril Mushroom, published in Common Lives/Lesbian Lives: a Lesbian Feminist Quarterly no. 4, Summer 1982.
- Introduction
- Ritual #1 Cruising
- Ritual #2 — The Buying of the Drink
- Ritual #3 — The Playing of the Jukebox
- Ritual #4 The Approach
- Ritual #5 The Lighting of the Cigarette
- Ritual #6 The Asking to Dance
- Ritual #7 The Dancing
How To Engage in Courting Rituals 1950s Butch Style in the Bar
You are sitting by yourself at the bar in the club you hang out at, legs wide, leaning on your elbow, holding your cigarette deep in the crotch of your fingers. There can be no doubt about the fact that you are a butch. You notice a woman you’ve never seen before sitting at a table, and you are attracted to her. She has short hair and is wearing a little makeup, but she isn’t obviously femmy-looking. You are not sure if she’s butch or fem—a critical issue—so you call over the bartender. You say, “Don’t be obvious, but see that woman over there? Do you know who she is?”
If the bartender responds, “Yeah,” you ask, “Is she butch or fem?” If the woman is a fem, you may proceed with the rituals. If the issue remains uncertain, proceed as though she were a fem. If she is a butch, forget it unless you are still attracted to her. In that case, consult with the bartender as to her opinion on whether you should try “flipping” her.
Ritual #1 Cruising
You look at the woman, stare at her aggressively, arrogantly, trying to catch her eye. Does she look back at you? Does she look at you and then away? Does she not look at you? Any of these could be a sign of interest. Stare at her for a while. If she does not look back at you at all, and you are getting impatient, proceed to ritual #2. If she glances at you and then looks away, you may want to try ritual #3 next. If she looks at you and smiles, proceed immediately to ritual #4; and if she raises one eyebrow, go directly to #5. If she runs her tongue over her lips, she is most likely on the make. If she looks at you and frowns, forget it.
Ritual #2 — The Buying of the Drink
Call the bartender over. She is well practiced in these rituals and will be ready for your next question, “What is she drinking?” The bartender tells you, and you say, “Send her over one from me.” You watch the woman’s response as the drink is delivered to her along with the message that it is from you (unless you say to the bartender, “Don’t tell her it’s from me”). If the woman looks over at you and smiles, proceed immediately to ritual #4. If she looks at you and frowns, forget it. If she sends the drink back, really forget it. If she does not look at you, try to read her expression. If she seems to be bored, buy her another drink.
Ritual #3 — The Playing of the Jukebox
This is an especially good ritual if you are not yet ready to approach the woman directly, as it provides indirect contact and also gives her a chance to get a good look at you. Be sure to pass her table on your way to the jukebox, no matter how devious a route you may have to fabricate; but be sure not to look at her yet. Lean on the sides of the jukebox with your arms straight in as butch a position as possible. Experiment at home with jukebox poses, and get a friend to tell you what angle you look best in against the light. Be extra casual and take a long time with your selections. Be very intent on your choices, but try to see out of the corner of your eye if she is watching you. You may, if you want to, look at her significantly before you press the button for a particular selection. When you are finished, straighten up and look directly at her. If she seems bored or annoyed, you may want to forget it. If she looks at you shyly, boldly, or arrogantly, smile at her. If she smiles back, immediately approach her and ask her to dance (ritual #6). If she does not smile back, proceed to ritual #4.
Ritual #4 The Approach
Walk over to where she is sitting. Be sure to be casual and swing your arms as you walk. Remain standing close to her, but be careful not to make her crane her neck into an uncomfortable position to look at you. If there is an extra chair, prop one foot up on it and lean over to talk to her, resting your forearms on your thighs. Look at her intensely, right in the eye. If you are bold and confident, you can say, “Hi, mind if I sit here?” as you are already sliding your butt onto the seat. If you are not quite that aggressive, you can be open with something like, “Hi, are you with anyone?” or “Hi, I’ve been looking at you from the bar. Aren’t you a friend of (make up any name here)’s?” or “Didn’t I see you at the (make up any place here)?” If the light where she’s sitting is really dim and you want to get a better look at her, you can invite her to come sit at the bar with you “where the air is a little better” or you can immediately ask her to dance. It’s a good idea to hold conversations and even exchange names on the dance floor, because it gives you something else to do while you are really seeing how your bodies fit.
Ritual #5 The Lighting of the Cigarette
The fem makes a brief motion toward her cigarettes. You immediately grab your own pack from your breast pocket and extend it to her gracefully, snapping the pack so that three cigarette shoot up a distance of ¾", ½", and ¼" respectively (this takes a lot of practice), while with your other hand you smoothly slip your zippo lighter out of your hip pocket, flick the lid open so that it rings, and slide the wheel along the leg of your denims so that you can present it to her with flame ready. This also takes practice, and until you become adept, you can use your thumb to flick the wheel. She plucks the tallest cigarette from the pack with the tips of her index and middle fingers, even if it isn’t her brand, and deposits it firmly between her lips, perhaps licking her lips slightly with the tip of her tongue before closing her mouth around the filter tip (never offer a fem a cigarette that does not have a filter tip). Although the air in the bar is still, you cup your hand around the flame, touching her fingertips or brushing the back of her hand in the process. She either lowers her eyes or else looks at you intensely as she draws in the smoke deeply, cupping her hand around yours and allowing the tips of her fingers to quiver slightly.
Ritual #6 The Asking to Dance
This shows interest—butch: wanna dance? fem: sure!
This shows lack of interest—butch: wanna dance? fem: nope. This sort of exchange should be followed by a return to and continuation of ritual #4.
This shows definite lack of interest, i.e., forget it—butch: wanna dance? fem: fast or slow? butch: slow. fem: no thanks. butch: o.k., fast, then. fem: no thanks.
If she is sitting with other women, this shows interest—butch: anyone here wanna dance? fem: whaddaya mean, ‘anyone’?
This shows very blatant interest—butch: anyone here wanna dance? fem: whaddaya mean, ‘dance’?
Ritual #7 The Dancing
This is one of the most important of the rituals and the most blatant form of fireplace. Dancing in the 50s, whatever the style, involved a great deal of body contact. Never forget that a butch always leads when a couple dances; a fem always follows. If you get as far as the dance floor and the woman insists on trying to lead, forget it.
The Slow Dance was very frequently done in the 50s. Be sure to begin with a general foxtrot-type step and don’t hold your partner too close unless she seems receptive. If you don’t know many fancy dance-steps, you can do a simple two-step. Lead with your right hand behind her back while she holds you around the neck with her left hand. You can begin dancing by holding hands on the other side (your left, her right), but if she is receptive, you can ease your hands closer to your bodies until you manage to move your left hand around her waist. If she moves closer to you, you can begin a slow fish movement, rocking your pelvis, thighs, and breasts against hers in time to the music, with perhaps just a bit of syncopation every now and then. If she moves with you, you might want to breathe slightly on her neck. If she holds herself away from you, or if you are too shy to want to dance a slow fish right away, you can converse while you are dancing. This keeps you both safe from having to get too physically close, because you both have to lean your heads back to talk to one another. It also gives you something to pay attention to besides your bodies and how they feel together. If you can do fancy steps and she follows well, you can use whirls and dips as a good excuse to hold her tighter. This is a good way to impress both her and onlookers, but be very careful not to get out of control through showing off and stumble, fall, or—worst of all—drop her.
Fast Dancing was usually some form of the Lindy, Chicken, or Panama City Bop; although there were also line dances like the Madison and the Hully Gully. There is usually not a lot of full body contact unless you do a Dirty Boogie. Fast dancing provides an excellent opportunity to show off. You can do a lot of fancy twirls and twists, and if you are strong enough, you can do lifts and swings. You can exchange names and immediate information while fast dancing, but usually there is no need for further conversation, since most of your energy then goes into keeping your breath. Be sure you don’t wear yourself out, so that you have to quit and sit down before the record is finished.
Latin Dancing could be fast or slow and included Samba, Tango, Mambo, Rhumba, Pasa Doble, Meringue, and especially the Cha-cha-cha. You should not attempt to dance Latin unless you know how. It is an excellent means for showing if, but if you’re not good at it, you can be very embarrassed. You may dance close to your partner, dance with a space between you, or do both at different times in the number. When dancing close, be sure to move your pelvis very seductively in time to the music. You can also do fancy twirls and dips in Latin dancing, but be sure not to lose the beat—dancing Latin off-rhythm is sure to look awful.
Although completion of The Dancing ritual often leads to The Going Home together, there is always the chance that the fem may not be especially interested in your courting but is friendly and loves to dance. In that case, have a good time with her. You may be making a new friend.